Boundaries –
Essential to Healthy Relationships
By Licia Ginne, LMFT
What are boundaries and why are they so important?
Boundaries are about protection; they set limits, define us,
set expectations and give us rules about our roles. When boundaries
are strong they also become flexible, we are able to adapt
in the moment. Boundaries are a problem when they are so rigid
they have no flexibility or so flexible they have no power.
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The
Five Types
of Boundaries
Physical
Spiritual
Sexual
Emotional
Intellectual |
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So what are boundaries. Boundaries are the internal and external
personal lines that we draw. They help us stand up for ourselves,
they keep us from agreeing to things we don’t really want
to do and then feeling resentful. They help is protect and take
care of ourselves. Boundaries help to define who we are and
who we are not and help to define the relationships we are in.
They keep us separate from others so we can have better relationships.
They regulate the personal space of relationships. We all need
time to take care of ourselves outside the relationship and
when we set a boundary it lets us do what we have to do in the
world. It lets others know what to expect from us, how to react
and lets us know our role within the relationship.
Our boundaries are constantly shifting and changing depending
on the circumstances we are in and who we are with. As we
go through our day we set many boundaries, we set boundaries
about who can touch us and how, how physically close we get
to others or them to us, we make decisions about what information
we share with people and who gets to know certain aspects
of us. It is a constant negotiating of how we are in the world
and a monitoring of how safe we feel in different situations
and with different people.
In relationship we are all frightened of being hurt and need
to be able to negotiate our risk level, our personal space
and our commitments. Often people who do not set boundaries
will set them by disappearing, failing to meet their commitments,
or making excuses. Many have become afraid that if they set
a boundary the other person will go away. As frightening as
saying no can be it builds trust and leads to a stronger relationship.
Let me give an
example.
I am sure you’ve had the experience of someone
walks up to you to talk and they get too close, in response
you’ll take a step back for more personal space. In
stepping back you have just established your physical boundary
to that person.
We are constantly setting boundaries throughout our day and
these boundaries change according to the situations.
You are at work and a co-worker places their hand on
your buttocks, you are surprised and remove their hand. This
is not only a physical boundary but has now become a sexual
boundary and they have crossed the line. When you get home
that evening and greet your girlfriend she places her hand
on your buttocks and that may feel like a warm greeting. The
gesture is the same but the boundary has changed because the
person has changed.
Five types of boundaries:
Physical - help us determine who may touch
us, how to touch us and when we may be touched.
Spiritual – protect our spiritual
beliefs. I set my boundaries on who I allow to know about
my spirituality, who I share my beliefs and practices with
and how I allow others to interact with me.
Sexual – I choose who I share my sexuality
with, when and how I talk about sexuality, who I share my
beliefs with. Sexual boundaries go beyond physical activity
it includes jokes, comments, gestures, what I watch and listen
to.
Emotional – my feelings need to be
protected. My emotional boundary will include how others treat
me, whether my emotions are respected and honored and how
I treat others.
Intellectual – boundaries protect
my experience of my intellect. To protect how others talk
with me, whether my ideas and perceptions are considered and
listened to. It is also includes my access to knowledge and
learning.
What is important to remember is that when boundaries are
in place relationships flow smoother. When my boss is clear
with me about expectations with my job performance then my
boundaries at work are being set. When my romantic partner
is clear with their boundaries, with what they need and want
from me, I know where I stand and how best to fill my role.
When I am aware of my boundaries and boundaries of others
I will know how to go about my day, I know how to prioritize
my work and activities and increase my chances of being successful
in relationships.
For further information on the definitions of Physical,
Sexual, Verbal, Social, Intellectual, Spiritual, Emotional
abuse and neglect and abandonment, go to my article
on abuse. |