Fair Fighting Rules
By Licia Ginne, LMFT
In all relationships there are conflicts and learning how to
argue in a fair manner is important. In couples therapy and psychotherapy
you should be learning these tools and have a safe environment
to practice them in. Remember if you are trying to resolve a
conflict with someone give yourself some time before the discussion
to map out your goals for the conversation and be sure that you
have a good environment for sitting down for the talk.
Here are some guidelines for when you sit down to discuss issues.
1. Be specific when you introduce a gripe.
2. Don’t just complain, no matter how specifically; ask
for a reasonable change that will relieve the gripe.
3. Ask for and give feedback of the major points. Make sure
you are heard and your partner understands what is said. Ask
your partner to tell you what they heard.
4. Focus on one issue at a time. Otherwise, without professional
guidance (or 3rd party) you may skip back and forth evading the
hard ones.
5. Do not be glib or intolerant. Be open to your feelings and
equally open to your partner’s feelings.
6. Always consider compromise. Remember your partner’s
view of reality may be just as real as yours even though they
may differ. There are not many totally objective realities.
7. Do not allow counter-demands to enter the picture until
the original demands are clearly understood. Sometimes writing
the agenda down helps everyone to stay focused.
8. Never assume that you know what your partner is thinking
until you have checked out the assumption in plain language;
nor should you assume or predict how your partner will react,
what would be accepted or rejected. Allow the other person the
opportunity to accept or reject any offer.
9. Do not correct your partner’s statement about his or
her own feelings. Do not tell a partner what they should know
or feel.
10. Never put labels on a partner, use name-calling or personal
attacks. If you really believed that they were incompetent or
suffered from some hopeless basic flaw you probably would not
be with them. Do not make sweeping, labeling judgments about
their feelings, especially about whether or not they are valid
or important.
11. Sarcasm is dirty fighting.
12. Offer directions about the type of communication and response
you need. Do you have time for problem-solving, empathy/sympathy,
venting, support, etc. This allows your partner to make an informed
assessment of their ability to be there for you.
13. Hurts, grievances and irritations should be brought up at
the very earliest moment. Otherwise the issues may build into
huge explosions.
14. Do not overload your partner with grievances. To do so makes
them feel hopeless and suggests that you have either been hoarding
complaints or have not thought through what really troubles you.
Take time to meditate and give your feelings time to clarify
into productive negotiations and requests.
15. Allow time for each person to think about the requests and
needs of the other. These negotiations may need more than one
sitting. Set up a follow-up time to meet.
16. Remember that there is never a single winner in an honest
intimate fight. Both either win more intimacy or lose it.
Based on the book, “ Pairing “ by Dr. George R.
Back & Ronald M. Deutsch. |