| Ask LA Therapists
Dear Licia,
I have noticed that since I started psychotherapy I keep analyzing everything
I do and say, I feel like things are getting worse and not better. Is this
normal?
Over thinking things - Santa Monica
Dear Over thinking
Has this ever happened to you. You are going to buy a new
car, lets say a new Volkswagen, and all of a sudden you see
them everywhere. It seems like everybody had the same idea
to buy a volkswagen at the same time. Actually it's that you
never gave them much thought and now they are forefront in
your observations. It is the same with your analyzing, you
have learned a new way of viewing people and behaviors. You
are viewing the same incidents with different interpretations.
You have suddenly become consciousness and uncertain about
how you think, feel and respond. Your new viewpoint is actually
one of the goals of therapy, to help you rethink how you feel,
what choices you want to make and what kind of relationships
you want to be in. But don't worry after awhile everything
will find a proper balance and you will not be overwhelmed
with all these observations. Keep me informed of how you are
doing.
Dear Licia,
A good friend of mine keeps getting her heart broken
by the same guy. She tells me that she loves him and goes
back to him. He drinks too much and doesn’t seem to
consider her feelings. I’d like to help my friend, what
should I do?
Linda- Silver Lake
Dear Linda:
Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. I am sure
you have told her how important your friendship is and how
it hurts you to watch her be hurt. You could suggest to her
that she see a psychotherapist for some help and insight in
understanding why she loves someone who doesn’t treat
her with the respect and care that she deserves. You could
also consider going to an Al anon meeting with her: a support
group (12-step meeting) for people involved with alcoholics,
but it is also a terrific support group for those in relationship
with any kind of addict or abusive relationship. Maybe you
could help her with research on alcohol abuse. The sad part
is you can only do so much for your friend and than you have
to figure out how this will fit in your life. Sometimes people
are not ready to make changes and you can’t make them.
Let me know how it goes.
Dear Licia,
Rob and I have been together for several years, my problem
is that he doesn’t know how to clean up after himself.
Prior to our living together he had someone else clean up
for him and I am tired of fighting over the same ole thing.
William– Los Angeles
Dear William:
Nothing ruins the romance more than having to become someone’s
nagging mother, neither of you like it. There are two parts
to a marriage or partnership, the romantic side and the business
side. Businesses have regular operations meetings to discuss
problems, set direction and make general assessments of the
mechanics of the company. It may not seem glamorous but relationships
need this same kind of attention. We have all been brainwashed
by movies and television to believe that we all have the same
understanding as to how this side of the relationship works;
the non-sexy maintenance of a partnership.
I would set aside time on a regular basis, (once a week, once every two
weeks for just a couple of hours). In the beginning I would err on the
side of making the meetings more often, especially when there may be more
topics to discuss. This has always been one of the benefits of couples
psychotherapy, that time is always set aside.
Use the fair fighting rules as guidelines for your discussion. Instead
of just calling Rob a slob, you need to tell him how it makes you feel,
i.e. angry, sad, frustrated, ignored, unloved, alone, etc. in the relationship.
It is harder to fight over how you feel than who did or didn’t do
what. He may also see that if he does pick up after himself your mood is
better at home and the relationship is less stressful.
Negotiate the outcome. Each of you probably has things he
wants the other to do; now’s the time to see if you
can make a trade. He may never be able to pick up after himself,
but he may be willing to do something else around the house
for you that feels reciprocal. Maybe Rob pays for a house
cleaner to come in.
Think out side of the box. Come up with lots of options,
even the ones that seem ridiculous, it seems if you leave
them all there for a minute it gives the feeling that this
problem is solvable.
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