Dear Licia,

I have noticed that since I started psychotherapy I keep analyzing everything I do and say, I feel like things are getting worse and not better. Is this normal?

Over thinking things - Santa Monica

Dear Over thinking

Has this ever happened to you. You are going to buy a new car, lets say a new Volkswagen, and all of a sudden you see them everywhere. It seems like everybody had the same idea to buy a volkswagen at the same time. Actually it's that you never gave them much thought and now they are forefront in your observations. It is the same with your analyzing, you have learned a new way of viewing people and behaviors. You are viewing the same incidents with different interpretations. You have suddenly become consciousness and uncertain about how you think, feel and respond. Your new viewpoint is actually one of the goals of therapy, to help you rethink how you feel, what choices you want to make and what kind of relationships you want to be in. But don't worry after awhile everything will find a proper balance and you will not be overwhelmed with all these observations. Keep me informed of how you are doing.

Dear Licia,

A good friend of mine keeps getting her heart broken by the same guy. She tells me that she loves him and goes back to him. He drinks too much and doesn’t seem to consider her feelings. I’d like to help my friend, what should I do?

Linda- Silver Lake

Dear Linda:

Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. I am sure you have told her how important your friendship is and how it hurts you to watch her be hurt. You could suggest to her that she see a psychotherapist for some help and insight in understanding why she loves someone who doesn’t treat her with the respect and care that she deserves. You could also consider going to an Al anon meeting with her: a support group (12-step meeting) for people involved with alcoholics, but it is also a terrific support group for those in relationship with any kind of addict or abusive relationship. Maybe you could help her with research on alcohol abuse. The sad part is you can only do so much for your friend and than you have to figure out how this will fit in your life. Sometimes people are not ready to make changes and you can’t make them.

Let me know how it goes.

Dear Licia,

Rob and I have been together for several years, my problem is that he doesn’t know how to clean up after himself. Prior to our living together he had someone else clean up for him and I am tired of fighting over the same ole thing.

William– Los Angeles

Dear William:

Nothing ruins the romance more than having to become someone’s nagging mother, neither of you like it. There are two parts to a marriage or partnership, the romantic side and the business side. Businesses have regular operations meetings to discuss problems, set direction and make general assessments of the mechanics of the company. It may not seem glamorous but relationships need this same kind of attention. We have all been brainwashed by movies and television to believe that we all have the same understanding as to how this side of the relationship works; the non-sexy maintenance of a partnership.

I would set aside time on a regular basis, (once a week, once every two weeks for just a couple of hours). In the beginning I would err on the side of making the meetings more often, especially when there may be more topics to discuss. This has always been one of the benefits of couples psychotherapy, that time is always set aside.

Use the fair fighting rules as guidelines for your discussion. Instead of just calling Rob a slob, you need to tell him how it makes you feel, i.e. angry, sad, frustrated, ignored, unloved, alone, etc. in the relationship. It is harder to fight over how you feel than who did or didn’t do what. He may also see that if he does pick up after himself your mood is better at home and the relationship is less stressful.

Negotiate the outcome. Each of you probably has things he wants the other to do; now’s the time to see if you can make a trade. He may never be able to pick up after himself, but he may be willing to do something else around the house for you that feels reciprocal. Maybe Rob pays for a house cleaner to come in.

Think out side of the box. Come up with lots of options, even the ones that seem ridiculous, it seems if you leave them all there for a minute it gives the feeling that this problem is solvable.