Boundaries - Essential to Healthy Relationships

What are boundaries and why are they so important?

Boundaries are about protection; they set limits, define us, set expectations and give us rules about our roles. When boundaries are strong they also become flexible, we are able to adapt in the moment. Boundaries are a problem when they are so rigid they have no flexibility or so flexible they have no power.

So what are boundaries. Boundaries are the internal and external personal lines that we draw. They help us stand up for ourselves, they keep us from agreeing to things we don’t really want to do and then feeling resentful. They help is protect and take care of ourselves. Boundaries help to define who we are and who we are not and help to define the relationships we are in. They keep us separate from others so we can have better relationships. They regulate the personal space of relationships. We all need time to take care of ourselves outside the relationship and when we set a boundary it lets us do what we have to do in the world. It lets others know what to expect from us, how to react and lets us know our role within the relationship.

Our boundaries are constantly shifting and changing depending on the circumstances we are in and who we are with. As we go through our day we set many boundaries, we set boundaries about who can touch us and how, how physically close we get to others or them to us, we make decisions about what information we share with people and who gets to know certain aspects of us. It is a constant negotiating of how we are in the world and a monitoring of how safe we feel in different situations and with different people.

In relationship we are all frightened of being hurt and need to be able to negotiate our risk level, our personal space and our commitments. Often people who do not set boundaries will set them by disappearing, failing to meet their commitments, or making excuses. Many have become afraid that if they set a boundary the other person will go away. As frightening as saying no can be it builds trust and leads to a stronger relationship.

Let me give an example.

I am sure you’ve had the experience where someone walks up to you to talk and they are physically too close.  In response you’ll take a step back for more personal space. In stepping back you have just established your physical boundary to that person.

We are constantly setting boundaries throughout our day and these boundaries change according to the situations.

You are at work and a co-worker places their hand on your back and you feel uncomfortable, you remove their hand. This is not only a physical boundary but has now become a possible sexual boundary. When you get home that evening and greet your partner they place their hand on your back and this may feel like a warm greeting. The gesture is the same but your boundary was constricted with the co-worker and inclusive with your partner. The action may be the same but the context has changed.