Are You Codependent?

 Codependency originated in the recovery movement and was used to describe the behaviors of people who were in a relationship with an alcoholic or substance abuser. Codependency has come to mean many things, addiction to relationships, not having personal boundaries, and not valuing yourself. It also describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving, developed during childhood in reaction to living in a dysfunctional family.

These families usually suffer from poor boundaries (to know more about boundaries click here) without boundaries children do not know how to set boundaries, how to form healthy relationships nor have good self-care.  This could be considered a form of abuse and may come from neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse and/or emotional abuse. Abuse can be found in families who suffer from mental health issues, addictions and compulsivity,  families where children are not given priority and parents with their own history of abuse. 

Pia Melody in her book, Facing Codependency, defines the Five Core Symptoms of Codependence:

• Having low self-esteem
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Knowing yourself, knowing what you want
• Taking care of adult needs and wants
• Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality moderately.

When we live in painful families, we find ways of adapting so we can survive. You couldn’t wake up each day and say “This is hell”; you adopt some type of denial to survive.  Remember: as a child your choices are limited. They are pretty much limited to your brain. Fantasy or future thinking are the tools of children. 

We want to rewrite what is happening to us so we don’t feel like victims.  Children blame themselves for the problem: If I were better, faster, smarter, etc. than this problem wouldn’t be happening. If I brought more joy to my family they wouldn’t be so unhappy.  We need to feel a sense of mastery so we make the problem us and not our parents.  I can change me and I can’t change them. But we constantly fail because we are not the problem.